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As some of you know or have inferred, I read dating books in order to track trends, ideas, research concepts, etc. I just finished a recent one based on snagging a man using sales tactics.
I’ll be transparent here, I’m still working on understanding why the default button is a game when you are dating confused. Maybe it seems like it would just be so much easier to have some games to play that snag you the person you want? But really… do you want someone you have to essentially trick into wanting you back? I wouldn’t be writing about this at all if this wasn’t the 200th book I’ve read that puts forth games and tricks and some sort of scheme to “win” in the dating game and I wanted to share my exasperation. I won’t share the book title because I’m not really writing a pan of her book — I’m sure the tactics work for some people, but I’ve gotta vent!
She starts off well… knowing and loving your “product” (you). Yay! I am totally on board with this one!
Then she talks about packaging and selling your product. Ok, I can see where not dressing like a bag lady would be beneficial to attracting someone unless you are an Olsen Twin (no offense to any bag ladies) but just keep in mind the last point I make on this list…
She then moves into finding a guy… same old same old as usual with the addition of keeping your funnel full with other men until some guy is so desperate to get you off the market that he pops the question. Ummm…can we go back to the loving and knowing yourself chapter? See last point on list.
Now she gets into the juicy stuff — how to attract any guy and make him want you until you can “close the deal.” Here’s where the game begins — this safari guide is worthy of any African Elephant Hunt. But the bottom line… ACT like you have a life and self respect even if you don’t. See last point.
And the last section is kind of a wrap up on topics that didn’t fit in the other sections including how to create a sense of urgency, no drunk dialing and practicing in “game-like” conditions. I don’t even know what to say on this one except…
(here it is…the point you’ve been looking for) I am a FIRM believer that what you do to catch/attract someone you must CONTINUE to do AS LONG as you want to keep them! That’s right — you dressed like a tart to get him — guess what’s gonna keep him. (Heaven help you when your tarty wear is embarrassing the grandkids — but hey, you “kept” him.) You played games with appearing unavailable and too busy and withdrawing your presence at just the right time on every occasion to keep the mystery — yup, you guessed it… you’d better keep that unavailable and mystery demeanor even when you are mourning the loss of your 17 year old dog and desperately need a shoulder to cry on or find out he’s been having dinners with his assistant because she “really cares about him.” Or are you the girl who became his mom? The one who “surprises” him every week by doing his laundry, watches his dog when he goes to visit that “friend” in Miami and manages all of his family birthday present buying needs. You got it… you may “catch” him and “keep” him and end up having two kids under 10 and one who just acts like he’s 10.
What ever happened to actually HAVING a life of your own and self respect? I would think that would solve all of the above issues. Finding, attracting, keeping. No games needed. You either are busy or you’re not busy and he always knows where he stands with you because you are healthy and balanced enough to communicate it with honesty and love.
I know its easier said than done, to have a life and self-esteem independent of another person’s approval, but its kinda wonderful when you carry your own esteem around with you. Then when someone else adds to it — its just like having the proverbial cherry on top or your relationship day.
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You know, I was going to be all coy about this. But I’ve decided that I’m not coy about anything else and that’s not the point of having a cartoon character avatar anyway. So I’m just going to throw this on out there. And maybe you all can help me figure it out.
I like LC. In fact, I really like LC. So much so that the height thing has ceased to matter. I like spending time with him. In fact, I’d even like to spend more time with him than we have been up until now. I invited him to dinner with my friends on Sunday. And to something with me next week. And I suggested that maybe he should consider spending Thanksgiving with me.
I know, I know. It’s ok. I’ll give you a moment to pick yourself up off the floor after that last one.
But… there’s always a but, right? There is a problem. And in my mind, it’s a big problem. He uhhhh… can’t seem to seal the deal. If you know what I mean.
I mean, we’ve had a few overnights now. He is a cuddly sleeper by the way. I do like that. But once you slide between the sheets, and before the cuddly sleeping part…. you know. There are certain activities that are likely to occur. We are both attracted to each other. We are both kind of touchy feely folks. I’m in my 30s, and we’ve already discussed what that means. So, you know, there it is. And everything starts off quite lovely. Except, it doesn’t finish that way. In fact, it doesn’t really finish at all. It just ends rather abruptly. Sometimes with an excuse, sometimes not. But end it does, and not to mutual satisfaction. And it certainly isn’t for lack of trying on my part.
I have paid careful attention to what he likes, and try to make sure I exceed those needs. I have tried asking if there’s something he needs or that I could do differently. I have tried taking control and taking care of him that way.
So now we’re at an impasse. I have never been here. I am afraid to talk about it because that seems like it would just make matters worse. I am afraid to initiate anything for fear of putting undue pressure on LC. And I’m even more afraid that I will never be properly laid again.
So I like him. I like him a lot. But is there any chance this will ever right itself? Because I imagine this to be a complete deal breaker if it’s not a workable situation. And for once, I am in serious need of advice. Especially from the boys. Please.
